…. The walls are thickening around me. The bright yellow paneling almost puffs out yearning to swallow me whole. I lean back against the sink with one hand gripping the side of my head while the other is stretched out in protest. I notice that I can no longer hear the noises from the other room above the running commentary in my head. The vile, abusive words I throw at myself become a bile-like liquid that fills my mind and spills down into the rest of my body. I can’t stand my skin, my feet, my face with all of their ugliness. The names I call myself bring the self-hatred to a level I hadn’t experienced in a decade. It was there though and I was done. It really was time because no one should have to live with someone like me, of this I was convinced. Every single person that I loved would be so much better off without me. They would be sad for a bit, but they would get over it after they got used to not having me as a burden.
The above is what I remember from that October afternoon. It was the first time I had seriously considered taking my own life in over a decade. Things were so different from the last time I had gone to that place in my head. I was married to someone different and we were a month from celebrating the anniversary of buying our home. I think the twins were still toddlers and my oldest was maybe 7 or 8. I had come into the kitchen at the start of Blue’s Clues because I needed to cry away from them and I knew they wouldn’t move until Steve said that it was time for So Long.
Before those thoughts could take me one step further, my husband walked in the door. Home early for whatever reason, he asked me what was wrong and my initial reaction was to say fine, keeping my secret mental chaos to myself. Instead I risked reaching out and I told him about my suicidal thoughts. I apologized for them because as the words came tumbling out, the kids wandered in and I wiped tears away to smile at them. All of them gathered around me and hugged me, sharing their light with me.
Yesterday, a reality show star (Gia Allemand, 29) died and today we learned her death was a suicide by hanging. I could easily imagine the mental anguish she must have been in to do that to herself and it made my heart ache. I wished that she had someone that had walked in at the right moment to offer her light and/or that she had taken the risk in reaching out to someone, anyone about the path her mind was leading her down.
I can share that I haven’t been to that darkest of dark places again since that day and I hope with everything I am that it never happens again.
I want to share with you that if you are dragged down there, use any moment of distraction to remember picking up the phone is your number one priority. Call a friend, a family member or
Risk reaching out because you are not alone. There are people who care and your life matters. Those suicidal thoughts are lies that the depression tells you and you deserve so much better.