On June 25, I began taking a generic of Adderall. It has now been basically a month and I thought I would do a catch-up post. If you would like, you can read the First Week post to see what made me start on the medication.
I need to share with you that it has been a gift. The quality of my life has improved so much and I am very grateful for my doctor for encouraging me to medicate for the ADHD. I had no idea what a huge impact the ADHD part of me had on my life. Most of all, I did not realize how much the ADHD made my depression worse.
So a normal day for me within a depression cycle would mean that I would be walking through quicksand every step of the day. There would be a chaotic circus of thoughts no matter which direction my mind turned. Just under that initial layer of chaos would be different parts of my past replaying on loops that I would slip in and out of without warning to relive all the emotion. I would have no control over any of it and most of my energy would be expended by being a good mom, with none left over for myself.
I would also spend a lot of time mentally abusing myself: I didn’t get around to doing laundry that day? Well, I must really suck as a human being. Did my husband wind up doing the dishes after he cooked dinner after he worked all day? Well, I’m not worth the skin I’m in. I promised the kids we would go bowling and we still haven’t gone? Well, I am truly a fucked up idiot who is the worst mother in the world.
Those statements above are part of my every day life. They always have been and I didn’t think it could be any different.
I am in a depression wave now. I am only on my ADHD med and things are different. All of that emotional abuse I would lay on myself? It’s down to a quarter of that.
The quicksand around me is not as draining. The chaotic circus is only a dull roar and I have control on what pieces I want to focus upon. The PTSD internal movies are muted and for the majority of triggers, I am able to close the door on them. I am not forgetting 101 things a day that would make me berate myself on such a constant basis.
Yes, I cry. No, I’m still not able to leave the apartment very much. But, it is better.
There have been negatives to being on this pill. My sex drive is non-existent. And when my generic XR wears off between 3:30 and 4:30, it really sucks. All of that crappy stuff I described above comes right back. I have constant dry mouth, which isn’t really too bad because I’m drinking huge amounts of water, lost 6 pounds and my skin looks better. It hasn’t had any effects on my sleep, but my children do that enough for me anyway.
Yesterday was my first follow up with my neurologist since starting my version of Adderall. I cried, but they were happy tears. We spoke of how it is so obvious when it wears off and discussed the options. We finally decided to stay with the same pill but take it twice a day now. I am going to take it earlier in the morning and take my 2nd dose by three o’clock. If it begins to interfere with my sleep, then we will play with the dosing times.
All in all, I am so grateful for the improvement I am experiencing.
xox ~ Melissa
P.S. I have never written so much without misspellings before. It is amazing that right after the medicine wears off then I am back to depending upon spell check and heavy proofreading for words I just completely left out.