Yes, we were at that meeting the other day together — I’m the one who didn’t talk. You might have noticed the sheen of sweat that gathered on my forehead as time went on. I watched everyone carefully and if we met eyes, I smiled at you. And then probably turned my body slightly away from you, a body signal designed to discourage small talk. I was scared of you — an irrational emotion – but there just the same. I sat and tried very hard to not be overwhelmed by the number of people in the room, the noise level that made it difficult to focus and the rising fear descending over me.
Maybe I’m the one who made the play date and at the last minute chickened out. Or I did go, but was too nervous to make plans for a new one even though I enjoyed the company.
Especially if you caught me during PMS. Because for that week or so, I am convinced that the entire world hates me.
I don’t hate you.
I really do, at times, think that you will hate me. Not for any specific reason. Logically, I know that I am a good and caring person. Most people would describe me as kind, thoughtful and even sometimes a little funny. I am loyal and trustworthy and extremely non-judgmental. And even if we have already been friends for years and you are used to my strange ways and I know that you love me — I could still think for a short while — that you hate me.
If you make me try to see you in person too often though, before I feel safe with you — I can withdraw and come up with reasons not to go out. And if I do force myself to go, I will stumble over my words and sweat bullets in your presence. The phone can be difficult also. I have auditory processing issues, throwing in the high anxiety and ADHD, focusing on your words can prove to be an insurmountable task. Texting is better, but I hate it for being so impersonal. (I do know how contradictory I sound.)
Email is good. Usually. I can answer at my leisure and take my time deciding what and how to say things. Unless there is a hint of pressure. Then I may not open my mailbox for an entire week in fear that there will be notes from you.
Facebook is fantastic. With over 700 *friends* and almost 5,000 liked pages (there’s that ADHD thing showing), my news-feed is very crowded. I will often have to visit individual pages to find out what has been going on in your life. I cannot feel pressured on FB… it is a safe zone for me.
Hi. I am one of the faces of Social Anxiety.
I do social things for my children. I will take a half (or a whole) Xanax to do that class party or like last year, teach those Meet the Master sessions or take them to your child’s birthday party.
And if you are nice enough to try with me and we hang out more than twice, you can hear the echoes of Sally Field in my head: They like me. They really like me.
What should you do if you come across a face similar to mine at the next PTA meeting or at the gym? You see the fear in her eyes, gauging the distance from where she sits to the nearest door to escape from and… you realize that she is like me. Just be yourself which will allow her to feel safer. Be okay with being the one to make the bulk of the plans in the beginning. Meet her at the park or for a quiet lunch, nothing too crowded. And if she chickens out with only a few hours notice, please don’t be so quick to give up. If she is really like me, then you can wind up making a lifelong friend that will always be there for you.
xoxo ~ Melissa
this is me, too.
maybe not quite so severe, but…pretty damn close.
i love this. and i love you for writing & sharing it.
now I am going to share it.
HUGS
erin margolin recently posted..Rumor Has It, Vol. 2
Erin… you are an amazing writer and a beautiful soul. Thank you so much for your words and for sharing. It means more to me than you know. {{{hugging you}}}
I can totally relate to this. Thank you for putting what I often feel into words.
I’m sorry that you can relate…. I wish no one had to feel this way. But I am very thankful that you took the time to leave the comment. {{{Sandy}}}
Wow. This is me to a tee. Minus the ADHD. But I’ll throw in a little PTSD & OCD to make up for it. Thank you for sharing!
kyfirewife recently posted..Painting on the Back Deck
Hey… PTSD and OCD definitely work in place of the ADHD. *grins* I’m sorry that you can see yourself in this, but at the same time glad to meet another person that can relate.
I currently am going through postpartum anxiety and some of my family members and friends think I have forced them off the planet. When in reality I am doing exactly what you wrote.It is very difficult for people to understand this issue of mine. You did an amazing job explaing. Thank you so much for writing this.
I’m sorry that you are going through that. It is tough when your normal support system just doesn’t get it. I hope you can find someone that can relate… or just send your friends/family to the page and say: Hey, read this. *smiles*
I saw so much of myself in this, but funny how I never characterized myself as having social anxiety. I remember getting so worked up before I’d go out on dates that sometimes I’d vomit. I’m better and I always look forward to making plans, but that anxiety still kicks in last minute. I understand the contradictions but sadly several of my friends don’t and I find them getting very frustrated with me.
Rach (DonutsMama) recently posted..Eeek! I’m Famous!
Don’t you hate it when you feel their frustration? I’d do almost anything not to cause that… I dislike disappointing people so much. I really appreciate you commenting and sharing with me. {{{hugs}}}
What a lovely post. I’m one of those weird people who hides my social anxiety in plain sight–a stage is a great place to avoid contact and small talk. Thank you for being brave enough to share this with the world. Sharing.
Debbie recently posted..Feel The News: Republicans Unhinged
I have a friend who does something akin to that — becoming very extroverted in the face of anxiety. No one knows how shy she truly is…
Thank you for your kind words and for sharing.